Why Indiana Jones is a Terrible Role Model...

Experience the thrill of realizing that a fictional character might maybe be a little racist...

A New Nuzlocke! The DexNumber-Locke

The Socially Unbalanced Nuzlocke

(aka the DexNumber-Locke)

Whoo hoo, aren’t I a genius? This set of rules came to me in a dream. And then God told me that it would become the best and most popular set of Nuzlocke rules in history….

Now that you have heard the holy creation story of this locke, here are the rules:

Note: I have no idea if this is already an established nuzlocke, but if it is well…...damn.

The Story of Ryan's Betrayal....

Literally...

Best Films of 2014

2014. What a year for movies. With soaring, moving masterpieces and stumbling disappointments abound, there was no way you didn't walk out of a movie entertained. With both a variety of blockbusters and indie films under my belt, I can proudly say that the following films are, without a doubt, the best films of 2014. 

Also, I know what everyone is thinking. Isn't it a little late to do a best-of list? And, no, it isn't. Doing a best of 2014 list as 2014 was ending would have meant that numerous great films (including 3/5's of my top 5) would have never had made the cut, as I failed to see them in theaters. It makes as much sense as doing a best of 2015 list right now, when I've only seen two films. For more on this dilemma, go watch YMS's Best Of list for any year. Anyways, on to the list. 

#14. Inherent Vice

Inherent Vice is a film largely lost in it's own thoughts. Plotlines are introduced without resolution. Characters are introduced to accomplish nothing. It's a film that doesn't reward patience so much as it favors it. And it couldn't be any better. A spot-on Pynchon adaption, Inherent Vice succeeds largely due to it's fantastic ensemble (with Josh Brolin's henpecked, comically stoic detective as a personal favorite) and groovy soundtrack. Depicting the last gasps of the dying hippie era as a backdrop to a Chinatown-esque land scheme mixed with a Indochinese drug ring, Inherent Vice certainly isn't for everyone, but those willing to think a little are in for a treat. 

Best Line: "Are you sure you aren't jealous that they're F-U-C-K-I-N-G-I-N-G?" "Fuckinging?" 

Best Scene: Josh Brolin's final scene, which is so absurd and hilarious I won't spoil it. 

#13: X-Men: Days of Future Past

Man, y'know what was dead? The X-Men franchise. With two mediocre films (and First Class), Fox needed a miracle to compete with the MCU, and they found it in the form of the return of Bryan Singer, director of the first two X-Men films. Singer's direction and eye for flair gives the film's story (a time travel romp based off of one of the best X-Men storyline) a fun, serialized feel, while fantastic acting by a talented ensemble (particularly by James McAvoy and Jennifer Lawrence) grounds it with emotion. Here's hoping this wasn't just a lucky break. Also, a little more Quicksilver, please. 

Best Line: "Oahulips! Oahulips!" 

Best Scene: Every scene with Quicksilver. 

#12: The Book of Life

A heartfelt and beautifully animated film about the struggles of love and family, the Book of Life honors a centuries-old culture and it's beliefs about death and the afterlife. Told as a story with marionettes, a love triangle/cosmic chess match unfolding in both Mexico and the realms of the dead plays out in beautiful and tragic fashion, with stellar voice acting making it even more believable. Also, it's a prequel to Nickelodeon's fantastic El Tigre, if everything else I just told you isn't reason enough to see it. 

Best Line: "No retreat. No surrender." 

Best Scene: Manalo faces off with every bull ever slain by his family, leading to a heartbreaking song of forgiveness rather than conflict. 

#11: 22 Jump Street

Sometimes, a sequel transcends the film that precedes it. 22 Jump Street is such a film. A surprisingly vicious criticism of sequels, 22 Jump Street moves it's main characters to college, where they are (once more) ordered to uncover a local drug ring. What ensues is a gut-bustingly funny film elevated to greatness by surprisingly intelligent writing and hilarious performances by Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, one of the best comedic duos in recent memory. 

Best Line: "Imma kill you, "Doug"."

Best Scene: The entire post-credits scene, showcasing a potential franchise in the most over-the-top and satirical fashion possible.

#10: How to Train Your Dragon 2

Speaking of sequels, How to Train Your Dragon 2, while never quite managing to surpass the incredible original (which sits as one of my favorite films of all time), is an excellent showcasing of why DreamWorks is continuing to one-up Pixar. Beautifully animated, well-acted, and written with the right amount of humor and heart, you won't find an animated film better than this one in 2014. 

Best Line: "He better not come here, or I'll bloody his fist. With my face!" 

Best Scene: A rather quiet and bittersweet reunion between Hiccup's parents that boasts surprisingly subtle (and terrific) acting from Gerard Butler. 

#9: Foxcatcher

A lot of people dismissed Foxcatcher, deeming it overly moody and dull. But me? I thoroughly enjoyed Bennet Miller's intense stranger-than-fiction tale of John Du Pont, a billionaire who drags two brothers into his lifestyle as part of a bid to form his own wrestling team. Namely, all three of the major performances are fantastic. Steve Carrell, shedding his comedic persona to give a creepy and somewhat tragic performance as Du Pont. Channing Tatum, emitting a quiet and resentful aura as Mark Schultz. Mark Ruffalo, playing things remarkably relaxed and polite, weighing down the film as it's anchor. Foxcatcher was a lot of things, but the big mistake here is mixing up "dull" and "subtle". 

Best Line: "It's just cocaine, Mark." 

Best Scene: After losing a match, Mark storms off to his hotel room, with Dave comforting him. A masterwork of entirely silent acting. 

#8: Fury

While it never reaches the emotion depth it tries so hard to achieve, Fury is a thrilling and brutal film regardless. This is largely due to it's ensemble cast, who supposedly slept in the tank to get further in character, of talented performers (Yes, even Shia LaBeouf) who mix together and create a believable band of brothers. Add in solid direction and music, and you have one of the more underrated films of last year. 

Best Line: "You think Hitler'd fuck one of us for a chocolate bar?" "I hope so." 

Best Scene: The crew of the Fury sits down to have a meal with some friendly civilians. What ensues is one of the most intense scenes in recent memory. 

#7: John Wick

I went into John Wick with low expectations. An action movie starring Keanu Reeves? Directed by former stuntman with no directing experience? About a hitman trying to avenge the death of his puppy? C'mon, a guaranteed stinker. Turns out, I was wrong. Enjoyably wrong. John Wick turned out to be a stylish, fun thrill ride with a surprising sense of humor, and even a decent performance by Reeves to boot. In other words, I liked being wrong. 

Best Line: "Hey, John." "Hey Jimmy. Noise complaint?" "Yeah, you working again?" "Nah. Just sorting some stuff out." *Cop sees piles of corpses.* "Well, I'll leave ya to it. Night, John." "Night, Jimmy."

Best Scene: John works his way, floor-by-floor, through a nightclub full of gangsters. The ensuing massacre is gloriously chaotic, not unlike the Church brawl from this year's Kingsmen. 

#6: American Sniper

I'm gonna make a disclaimer here: Yes, I am fully aware that the film portrays Chris Kyle in a much more heroic light than real-life reports of him. If you're willing to ignore that, then you're in for a fantastic film. Directed by a legend and featuring a career-best performance from Bradley Cooper, American Sniper is a fast-paced and genuinely exciting film, with a tragic ending that left the audience of the theater I was in completely silent for the entirety of the credits. If you're not willing to overlook the differences, then don't watch this film. 

Best Line: "So when's the wedding?" 

Best Scene: After successfully killing a rival sniper that had been plaguing him since his first tour, Kyle and his squad must hold their own against a horde of insurgents as a sandstorm rages throughout the city. A thrilling and perfect climax to the film. 

#5: Gone Girl

While it didn't quite live up to the expectations set by the book, David Fincher's adaption of Gillian Flynn's twisty thriller was a solid, thoroughly disturbing satire on the media and marriage itself. Cutting many unnecessary plotlines, the film moves at a faster, more efficient pace. But most importantly, it contains Rosamund Pike's breakthrough performance, which continues to astound as quite possibly the best performance of 2014. Sorry Juliane Moore, but I know who really deserved the Oscar. Also, Ben Affleck? Pretty good. Who cares if his ancestors were racists? 

Best Line: "You two are the most fucked up people I've ever met and I deal with fucked up people for a living."

Best Scene: So good, I can't even spoil it. 

#4: Nightcrawler

Jake Gyllenhaal allegedly lost 30 pounds to better sell the character of Lou Bloom, a sociopathic cameraman who films footage of accidents and violence to sell to TV news. And boy, does Gyllenhaal succeed. As Lou, he vanishes into the character, his very appearance giving the viewer an uneasy vibe as he manipulates and discards the people around him with minimal effort, the smile on his face never quite reaching his eyes. Brought together by good performances from an excellent cast and a fantastic script, Nightcrawler serves an interesting criticism of the media's depiction of violence, and the people that tune in when they hear the words "Viewer Discretion Advised."

Best Line: "Well Nina, as I'm sure you know, a friend is a gift you give yourself." 

Best Scene: The film's climactic car chase, in which the true depths of Lou's monstrousness are revealed.

#3 (Tie): Birdman

A surprisingly meta comeback for Micheal Keaton, Birdman, the story of a washed-up actor best known for playing a superhero trying to make a comeback, prospers largely due to the incredibly talented group of actors at it's center. And these actors had to be good, as the film is comprised of Rope-esque long takes edited together to look like one giant long take. At some points, they had to memorize 15 pages of script! Not only does the film look (mostly) seamless, but it's funny as well. Let's hope this is a true comeback for Keaton. 

Best Line: "Look at how their eyes light up. People, they love this shit. They love blood. They love action. Not this talky, depressing, philosophical bullshit."

Best Scene: The film's entire third act, in which Riggan loses his 

grip on reality. 

#3 (Tie): Guardians of the Galaxy

If this isn't the underdog story of the year, I'm not sure what is. A film starting obscure Marvel characters starring Andy from Parks & Recreation? C'mon, guaranteed flop. Instead, what ensued was the most fun anyone had at the movies that year. Packing humor, heart, and an excellent set-up of Marvel's cosmic mythos (take notes, Thor) into one explosive package, Guardians might just be the best Marvel movie so far. (Yes, including Avengers.) 

Best Line: "If I had a blacklight, this ship would look like a Jackson Pollack painting." 

Best Scene: The prison break, in which the Guardians are forced to use teamwork to escape a super-prison. 

#2: Boyhood

It's largely impossible to talk about the experiment that was Boyhood without mentioning it's method. For 12 years, Richard Linklater filmed a piece of the film with a young boy named Ellar Coltrane, so as the boy began to grow older and older, so did the characters and world around him. It's incredibly ambitious, but even if it hadn't worked, the film likely would have still earned a spot on this list, thanks to fantastic work by a supporting cast (particularly Ethan Hawke) and believable writing. By watching Mason grow, we root for him to turn out alright, to land safely despite all he goes through, making it all the sweeter when he finally does. 

Best Line: "You know what I'm realising? My life is just going to go. Like that. This series of milestones. Getting married. Having kids. Getting divorced. The time that we thought you were dyslexic. When I taught you how to ride a bike. Getting divorced... again. Getting my masters degree. Finally getting the job I wanted. Sending Samantha off to college. Sending you off to college. You know what's next? Huh? It's my fucking funeral! Just go, and leave my picture!"

Best Scene: A climactic dinner with Mason's alcoholic and abusive stepfather, in which the line "I hate squash!" somehow didn't make me chuckle. 

#1: Whiplash

Everyone aspires to be great. But very few movies show the price, the mental wear-and-tear, of achieving it. Whiplash, the story of drummer Andrew Neiman and sociopathic coach Terence Fletcher, is one of these films. Dominated largely by the powerhouse performances of Miles Teller and J.K Simmons, the film is a masterpiece of intensity. With fantastic editing, writing, and direction, Whiplash isn't just the best film of the year, it's one of the best films of all time. 

 Best Line: "Nieman, you earned the part. Alternates, will you clean the blood off my drum set?"

Best Scene: The final 30 minutes, which are the absolute pinnacle of the film's fantastic editing, directing, and acting. And its accomplished with minimal dialogue. 

Socially Unbalanced Podcast Episode 13